Tuesday, March 31, 2009

o wise brezsny

palm tree sky eye, originally uploaded by emdot.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There will be other times when I'll encourage you to upgrade your relationships with your inner child, your inner mountain-climber, and your inner serpent. Right now I hope you will take some quality time to commune with your inner elder. In my astrological opinion, you especially need the influence of this sage old part of you. He or she doesn't care overly much about social status, romantic drama, or the obsession of the moment, but is more interested in what provides deep meaning, generates love, and offers the big-picture perspective. So try this, Virgo: Leap ahead many years in your imagination and tune in to the guidance of the ripe and vibrant wise guy or wise woman you will ultimately become.

Monday, March 23, 2009

It's all too much

another fail whale, originally uploaded by emdot.

And when I say "all" I mean Facebook.

Look, I am your natural social media creature. Blogging, Flickr, Twitter, Email, List-servs; the sharing of my Google Reader, my del.icio.us, my 43 Folders, La La, ffffound, Last.fm.... GOOD LORD. Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers...

I've been battling this little urge to get the hell off of Facebook. But I've recently connected with some long-lost friends -- and that reconnection has been so fun. And I do love seeing the extra activity of my online-peeps (dw, flickr, and the rest of you all).

The thing is... I don't mind sharing my online life with my online friends. But it feels weird and highly vulnerable to be doing that on facebook.

Here is why: online people are there because it's their medium. They feel natural there; they are interested in what you have to say. Also, their exposure to you is OPTIONAL. They come cuz they like you, not because your posts/updates/meanderings have been forced down their throats a la an in your face, all-caps-like news feed.

It's funny, even before FB's recent redesign I've felt pretty uncomfortable there. (Don't get me wrong -- I LOVE getting glimpses into what the rest of you are into; it totally warms my heart). For me, it just feels... loud. I feel loud. I hate feeling loud.

Not to mention my Very Traumatic Facebook Experience last Friday where a friend a.) totally misunderstood something that someone else wrote about me in a note and b.) wrote on my wall about said misunderstanding in the most... um... girl-talk-ish way. It wasn't her fault: it really was a misunderstanding (including that she thought posting to a wall was completely private), but man it really left me shattered for a couple hours. (Seriously: hours).

I don't know what this post is other than to say: it's all too much. I'm maxed out. And I feel like I have to re-evaluate the entire thing.

Oh, I miss those simple days of just Flickr and my blog.

Monday, March 09, 2009

form is emptiness, emptiness is form

library sky contrail backlight, originally uploaded by emdot.

Just this morning I was kinda struggling with nihilism, as I am wont to do.

I think that would truly surprise most people who know me, including those who know me well.

The one stumbling block I run into with Buddhism is nihilism. Buddhism doesn't believe in nihilism, but in my mind, I often mix it up in the game. If my thoughts are nothingness... if emptiness is all around us... how does any of this matter? It's not that I lose hope but that I often "give up the battle" because what does it matter anyway? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! <-- dumb. But my truth, nonetheless.

So, just when I am yet again butting my head on the wall of Nothingness, I run across this quote:

The origin of suffering, strangely, can come either from trying to be highly disciplined and aware or from completely losing one’s awareness.

Generally, if you are not mindful and aware, suffering begins to arise; whereas, if you are mindful and aware, suffering does not arise.

However, suffering can also come from using your awareness discipline as a means of securing yourself by developing set patterns in life.

Ego-oriented patterns arise from both attitudes and actions, and lead to suffering. They include
  1. regarding the five skandhas, or aspects of ego, as belonging to oneself
  2. protecting oneself from impermanence
  3. believing that one’s view is best
  4. believing in the extremes of nihilism (that nothing matters) and eternalism (that things last forever), as well as the extreme emotions of
  5. passion
  6. aggression, and
  7. ignorance....
As a practitioner, you realize that these patterns don't particularly go away, but at least you know what they are all about, and as you go along, you will probably know what you should do about it. You may think that once the dharma or the truth has been spoken, it should solve those problems automatically, but that is not the case.

First you have to get into the dharma; then you can think about what you can do. Unless you are a businessman, you can't discuss bankruptcy.

— Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


since always this morning

Me: Are you ready for more coffee?
Him: Mm-hmm!
Me: Since when did you become a fast coffee drinker?
Him: Since always this morning.