[insert rob breszny platitude here] [you know the drill]

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

• First of all, my friend, you don't need any second-hand anything, let alone second-hand love.
• Second of all, dearest, you are hereby ordered not to hang around any third-rate situations where you feel like a fifth wheel. You understand?
• Thirdly, wonderful one, keep in mind that any eight ball you may fantasize that you're behind is just a figment of your own delusions.
• Fourthly, lover, I assure you that your sixth sense can now lead you -- if you cleanse it of its excess superstition -- to a place that is, if you have a good imagination, a suburb of the seventh heaven.