whaddaday

given, i have been sick. and when you are sick you tend to be a bit more sensitive to everything. i've been snappy and sad. easily provoked. and just generally feeling like shit. somewhere around eight o'clock last night the fog began to lift. i don't know if it was the virus finally easing up, or a good 30-minute car ride with kristin where i could just pour out my heart on all the things that have just been piling up around me. i'm usually not one of those girls that needs to talk through my problems, but i think i am learning that doing so really helps and might be a shortcut to emotional health, if not just plain lighter shoulders.

i learned another lesson too. a lesson about confronting -- or is it releasing? without going into details here, i found myself amazingly, heatedly, irrationally, maddeningly jealous two nights ago. i don't find myself jealous very often. and this was not a love-possessive thing. this was about my housemate going to visit my s.x.b.f (the s is for stupid not scottish) in scotland in a few weeks and a few other things having to do with said sxbf and his contact with my friends and my inability (out of respect) to not contact him. (does this make any sense?). anyway -- man, without acting any of it out -- i felt consumed with jealousy about this upcoming trip. consumed with jealousy and minimized by feeling 100% left-out. left-out is not an emotion i deal with very well.

anyhow, (I have now officially joined the land of the confessional bloggers), i finally just wrote him an email and explained it all. told him how crappy i was feeling. telling him that not being friends was tearing me up inside. and ... i haven't heard back. and... it might not matter if i hear back or not or even if he even reads it or not. i wonder if anything i might send to him is simply filtered into his delete box anyway. it doesn't matter. i was able to get it off my chest. get it out there. and this helped like nothing i had anticipated. weight of the world lifted. jealousy gone. frustration gone. anger gone. bad feelings gone. amazing healing elixir found.

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i went home for lunch today. grabbed a sandwich and the l.a. times. read a few paragraphs here and there in different sections. but by the time i started perusing the section with the article on manzanar i found a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. life is filled with so much heartache and pain and trouble and yet people prevail and triumph. in a blog where you don't spend much time cultivating a thought, much less editing your thoughts, it's hard to convey this feeling. but it stung in my eyes and it contracted in my throat and i felt overcome by... the meanness and the fear and the courage and the heart of the human spirit. and in the end i think courage and heart trump meanness and fear.