our bathrooms have names

the downstairs bathroom closest to the kitchen has long been called
"Madonna." It is named after the infamous Madonna Inn men's bathroom. There,
the urinal is a waterfall that streams over rocks from Cerro San Luis (the
peak that Madonna Inn is built into -- the actual rock acts as walls in many
parts of the hotel). Our Madonna had rocks that lined the shower. Yeah,
someone probably peed in it, too.

One of the upstairs bathrooms is known as The Batman Bathroom. It is larger
than at least one of the bedrooms. Shoot, you could have a small dance party
in it. The window, which is open with breezy curtains almost all year long,
has a view of a beautiful park-punctuation of a magnolia tree. About twelve
years ago, in one of its many Makeovers, a former roommate (Ducky) painted
the shower complete with a big batman-in-the-sky logo.

The other upstairs bathroom is called Broomcloset because it is the exact
opposite of Batman: it is dinky. Tiny. Narrow. And when the landlords first
installed low-flow toilets (which are practically standard issue in
california), it was constantly backed up, backing up, beginning to back up,
or considering a future backup. Often un-usable it was also rumored to
enunciate fowl vocal messages a la the exorcist. So for a long time this
toilet was also known as Satan's Toilet, The Black Hole, and Don't Go In
There.

The last bathroom, and this one is downstairs near my room, is called the
Donatello, for no other reason than the manager-at-that-time's nephew was
seriously into the Ninja Turtles.

Times change, though, as do Bathroom milieux. Facelifts abounded. The sewer
lines have been completely overhauled (no more tree roots). And the rock
wall of Madonna is long gone. And so a vote was cast on Tuesday and we are
renaming the bathrooms. We are doing this by silent brainstorm (put your
name suggestion on ballot form). And then we will decide by notsoprivate
debating and campaigning and cajoling and namecalling.

I'm looking at my ballot right now.

Current interiors:

Donatello was the first to have serious overhaul. The landlord musta been
yearning for summer: the colors are bright yellow accented with different,
tho not quite complimentary, bright yellow. Curtain is striped multi bright
yellow. We went in wearing shades. In retaliation, we began to gather
Simpson's dolls. We're only missing Lisa. The are suspended on the wall over
the toilet. They hold hands. My money's on calling this one "Springfield."

Madonna was second for the overhaul. The landlord's brother's girlfriend
painted this one. It is shades of pepto-bismo pink and hospital robin's egg
blue. Moddled-spongy paint on the walls. I am not kidding. This has been
referred to so far as "Intestines", and "Barf." I don't mind it as much as
some others. It is also home to my goose, which I have a feeling is now the
House Goose -- a real-sized goose that is a lamp. ;) This goose is dressed
up for all of our halloween parties and said costume usually lasts for many
months. Goose has been bondage s&m goose, space goose, country goose, and
voodoo priestess goose. I vote for goose-themed name over internal organ
name.

The Batman now looks like a decent-Martha-Stewart attempt at faux french
countryside. It is earthy and colorful and very clean and fancy-tiled and
everyone loves it but i must admit that it looks a bit out-of-sync compared
to the swapmeet-meets-funky-granola theme that makes up most of the rest of
the house. I have no preference for names here.

And Broom Closet hasn't changed at all except that it no longer backs up.
Ever. It has been exorcised.

And that my friends has been the Establishment Bathroom report. We will
provide live coverage during the voting process.

m.
staff reporter