touched

the power of meditation. i haven't been sitting regularly for months. meditation is nothing short of magical. and if you don't sit, it's hard to describe it to you in a way that would be meaningful. sitting is like a silent panacea. anodyne. an invisible antibiotic — more like an antineurotic. i don't know how it works, but for me, it is calming, it is centering, and it cuts through the crap. i find that i am less ... argumentative; less sensitive to criticism yet more sensitive to other people; it's heart softening and back strengthening. so why am i not sitting? good question.

my teacher patrick once said: every day sit for forty minutes; if forty minutes is too long, sit for twenty. if twenty is too long, sit for ten. if you can't do ten, do five. if you can't do five do two and a half. and if you can't do two and a half, stand by your cushion and ask yourself, "why am i not sitting?"

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i miss rebel.

rebel is a lot of things. but mostly she is this rare and fine balance between fun, light-hearted girl and big-hearted, calm-loving girl. she was fun and serious. she was an includer. she made people feel like they belonged, like they were welcomed, like they were special. she did all of this with the lightest touch. she, like meditation, seems to work invisibly. all you might see is a smile. all you might feel is the squeeze of herhand, but the effect was felt throughout the house and where ever she seemed to be.

at the risk of sounding melodramatic, i feel like reb's another of my teachers. a little bodhisattva that came into my life — by sheer luck. luck brought her in. she and jeffrey live in boston now and have been gone since june. the house is fine -- we are all doing well and the house itself is doing well, but in the last few weeks, more than ever i have been missing her presense — this invisible, kind presense that you can only sense by a laugh from the kitchen. your world might get smaller when she leaves. the question becomes, how do you retain the space? how do retain the largeness? how can you perpetuate this ... love and lightness and sweetness?

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more and more i think of the poem i posted here last week A Ritual To Read To Each Other. that poem touches me in so many different ways. but more than anything it reminds me... i am the girl who will let the little things slip by — and by little things i mean, the lost communication, the missed nuances, the opportunity to connect. i am that person. i look for the solid and the solid rarely exists. the solid, i have a feeling, makes our world a little smaller. the smaller is exclusive instead of inclusive. i can see myself miss the connection in one area and then not even notice i am letting it slip by in another.

life is full of these little nuances.

i guess i am feeling a little sentimental today. my heart feels like it is in my throat. this isn't a bad thing or a heavy thing — or anything at all. it just is.

bittersweet. the beauty of life and waking up.