give it time (aka me stating the obvious)

good morning, originally uploaded by emdot.

what i love about life: it all comes around. if you can't find your groove -- sit tight, it will come. lost your focus? your vision? your gumption? it'll come back. just trust and hold on.

lately i've been grasping at my old goals... but not really feeling the passion for them. the drive the mission the focus... all of this has eluded me for a good three months. instead i felt foggy and muddy. and worried that i'd lost my way.

this morning (and maybe i'm being premature; maybe i should hold on for a few days at a time of feeling like this; maybe it's just the coffee) i feel laser sharp and ready to go.

THANK GOD.

i needed that back. i needed that back to go forward.

and now it's May and I love May and forward I go. and i hope things are good and forward for you, too.

Seeing what was not seen before

yolk / yoke, originally uploaded by emdot.

Dudjom Rinpoche says of the moment when Rigpa is directly revealed: “That moment is like taking a hood off your head. What boundless spaciousness and relief! This is the supreme seeing: seeing what was not seen before.” When you “see what was not seen before,” everything opens, expands, and becomes crisp, clear, brimming with life, vivid with wonder and freshness. It is as if the roof of your mind were dying off, or a flock of birds suddenly took off from a dark nest. All limitations dissolve and fall away, as if, the Tibetans say, a seal were broken open.

— Sogyal Rinpoche

Ain't that the truth, though.

some day i won't bank on astrology

squirrely, originally uploaded by emdot.

that day, though, has not yet come. ;)

Having it out
There is great likelihood of ego conflicts with others today, because the pressure of circumstances will draw you closer to others now than at almost any other time. That is, you have to work with them! You have little or no choice in the matter. Obviously, anyone whom you tend to have difficulty with will be a source of trouble today, because you cannot escape the confrontation. In fact it is a good idea to have it out and get your problems into the open so that perhaps you can clear it up. The point is that you will not derive much benefit from keeping to yourself today. Even if your only encounter with another person is unpleasant, it will be useful to you in the long run. If you withdraw, the initiative will be taken out of your own hands, and you will still have the confrontation.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Ascendant, , exact at 09:24
activity period from 22 April 2009 to 24 April 2009

Yeah. WHATEVER STARS.

flying concertina

flying concertina
Originally uploaded by The 10 cent designer

my wonderful friend, 10 cent designer doing her part in calgary canada. lori andrews you are my hero. xo.

It's okay to hope; just don't book it as a promise

b(l)oom!, originally uploaded by emdot.

I share this because of the post on nihilism a month or so ago. Something I get stuck in. And hope is such a tricky thing for me... The Buddhists say that hope is just the flip side of fear -- and we want to not get sucked into our fears, right? So, I also try not to get sucked into my hope. And I push it away.

So maybe now no more pushing, and instead just open-handed looking.

Regard any sense of promise that comes into your mind, any hope that comes up, as another thought. If there is a strong desire to achieve a result, that will push you back. You could relate to hope as respect for the dharma, or the truth, rather than a promise. — Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

flickr got me in the gut today

It's not you...it's me, originally uploaded by It'sGreg.

here is one of the photos i swooned over this morning with my cup of coffee (here are more). i love this.

flight of the condors

flight of the condors, originally uploaded by darkmatter.

this photo is rocking my world. this is from darkmatter down irvine way, but looks like he was spending time in the grand canyon. this is not photoshopped -- this is really three different condors.

magic.

and finally spring pushes my heart out the door

bask, originally uploaded by emdot.

It's so beautiful and warm and wonderful right now. I wish there was an outdoor yoga class in SLO, because that sounds perfect.

Also perfect = saturday morning coffee with kb, also sitting in the sun. Thanks KB. :)

Also also perfect? Get together last night at our house. Home full of friends and smiles and food and drink. And we all cleaned up last night so I woke up to a clean house. Clean house, fun night, bright sunny morning... and I ask you... what more could make you smile wide on a Saturday?

Well, probably the list is long. But I am quite content with this.

---

And why "spring pushes my heart out the door"? I dunno. Just feels like it's time to MOVE and DO and JUMP and laugh. No big deal, no little deal. Just is and I'm loving it.

Also, could simply be the third cup of coffee. :)

Life I love you.

You Do It Yourself

we're uncovering it, originally uploaded by emdot.

Pema once again stops me in my tracks.

Learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it, making it your ally rather than your enemy.

Really, this is an uncovering process. I've always been taught that way I've always found it inspiring that what we need (the wisdom and strength, the confidence in our Buddha nature, our awakened heart and mind) is here. Now. Always. And we're uncovering it. We're making it available to us. But we're not inventing it new or importing it from somewhere else. It's here.

And that's why you have these moments of insight, when things just naturally open up, and so forth. Because it's here.

That's why you have the sense of being in a fog, then those clouds parting.

It's here.

No one else can give it to you. People will help you and support you with teachings and practices. But you do it yourself.

dear erin and suzanne

My friend Bonnie posted this to Facebook this morning and it transported me back to those days with Erin when we would sing sing sing in all of the harmonies we could think of over and over. And then a few years later my friend songbird was Suzanne. Once we were walking home from the bars in SLO and found this great acoustic area under an awning/overhang. We stood there at 2:00 in the morning singing our hearts out.

Later that night we ran into a new housemate was moving into the stab. Suze and I were still up hanging out. He stopped when he saw us and said, were you the two girls singing in the streets in the middle of the night? Beautiful.

I love this video. It just brought all that back.

just got off the phone with my grandma

grandma, originally uploaded by emdot.

and can i say that "oh mija!" are two of the loveliest words I ever hear. i love this woman.

Aye Aye Rob Breszny!

up close and personal, originally uploaded by emdot.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're in luck, Virgo. Not so much in the sense of winning the lottery or scoring a major award, but in a more spiritual sense. According to my astrological analysis, you're about to be blessed with glimpses of the beauty that has been hidden from you. Do you know "Auguries of Innocence," the poem by William Blake? I think you'll experience what it describes: "To see a world in a grain of sand/ And a heaven in a wild flower,/ Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,/ And eternity in an hour."

Toot toot!

bloom where you are planted, originally uploaded by emdot.

Not to toot my own horn BUT gosh darn this image makes an awesome desktop background/wallpaper. I just put it on my Mac at work and oh! so! lovely!

Try it yourself. :) You'll love it. :)

Happy Monday one and all.

clear unfettered space

morning hike in west texas, jeff davis county, originally uploaded by emdot.

today i'm doing dishes and listening to Pema Chodron. she says the following and i have to stop doing the dishes, dry my hands, find a pen, find some paper, rewind my ipod and listen and listen again to write it down. and now i share it with you.

This profound, deep restlessness, the Buddhist explanation is that it's because we are always seeking ground... that's the basis of what we call self absorption or ego clinging. Always seeking something to hold on to. And what the Buddhist teachings say is that the fundamental state actually is always changing, fluid and open. That the natural state is that it's unfixated and open and that there really is nothing to hold on to.

And that is not bad news.

And that there is no reason to freakout about this, but we all seem to be programmed in denial.

We don't like the insecurity.

Someone said insecurity is ego's take on Wide Open Clear Unfettered Fresh Space.

And we find that extremely uncomfortable.

humdrum beat replete

Time was when it was really important to me to put up photos on Flickr that I really loved or that were at least artistically composed.

That time, my friends, has come to and end. Maybe temporarily. But these days I find myself simply wanting to capture the glimpses of the every day exactly as they happened.

We moved some paintings around.

There's probably a metaphor in that.

The ground is shaky but you cannot fool yourself

long shadows (early morning version), originally uploaded by emdot.

You Cannot Fool Yourself

When we sit and practice, we begin to realize what is known as the transparency and impermanence of time and space. We realize how much we are dwelling on our little things and that we cannot catch any of it and build a house on it. We cannot even lay the foundation. The whole thing keeps shifting under our feet and under our seat. The rug is being pulled out from under us completely, simply from that experience of working with ourselves in our practice. When we realize that we cannot catch hold of phenomena at all, that is what is known as tondam, or "absolute truth." There is an absolute quality to the fact that we cannot fool ourselves. We can try to fool our teacher, who tells us to sit; and we might think that we can fool the dharma, which says, "Go sit. That is the only way." But we cannot fool ourselves. We cannot fool our essence. The ground we are sitting on cannot be fooled."

— Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

o wise brezsny

palm tree sky eye, originally uploaded by emdot.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There will be other times when I'll encourage you to upgrade your relationships with your inner child, your inner mountain-climber, and your inner serpent. Right now I hope you will take some quality time to commune with your inner elder. In my astrological opinion, you especially need the influence of this sage old part of you. He or she doesn't care overly much about social status, romantic drama, or the obsession of the moment, but is more interested in what provides deep meaning, generates love, and offers the big-picture perspective. So try this, Virgo: Leap ahead many years in your imagination and tune in to the guidance of the ripe and vibrant wise guy or wise woman you will ultimately become.

It's all too much

another fail whale, originally uploaded by emdot.

And when I say "all" I mean Facebook.

Look, I am your natural social media creature. Blogging, Flickr, Twitter, Email, List-servs; the sharing of my Google Reader, my del.icio.us, my 43 Folders, La La, ffffound, Last.fm.... GOOD LORD. Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers...

I've been battling this little urge to get the hell off of Facebook. But I've recently connected with some long-lost friends -- and that reconnection has been so fun. And I do love seeing the extra activity of my online-peeps (dw, flickr, and the rest of you all).

The thing is... I don't mind sharing my online life with my online friends. But it feels weird and highly vulnerable to be doing that on facebook.

Here is why: online people are there because it's their medium. They feel natural there; they are interested in what you have to say. Also, their exposure to you is OPTIONAL. They come cuz they like you, not because your posts/updates/meanderings have been forced down their throats a la an in your face, all-caps-like news feed.

It's funny, even before FB's recent redesign I've felt pretty uncomfortable there. (Don't get me wrong -- I LOVE getting glimpses into what the rest of you are into; it totally warms my heart). For me, it just feels... loud. I feel loud. I hate feeling loud.

Not to mention my Very Traumatic Facebook Experience last Friday where a friend a.) totally misunderstood something that someone else wrote about me in a note and b.) wrote on my wall about said misunderstanding in the most... um... girl-talk-ish way. It wasn't her fault: it really was a misunderstanding (including that she thought posting to a wall was completely private), but man it really left me shattered for a couple hours. (Seriously: hours).

I don't know what this post is other than to say: it's all too much. I'm maxed out. And I feel like I have to re-evaluate the entire thing.

Oh, I miss those simple days of just Flickr and my blog.

form is emptiness, emptiness is form

library sky contrail backlight, originally uploaded by emdot.

Just this morning I was kinda struggling with nihilism, as I am wont to do.

I think that would truly surprise most people who know me, including those who know me well.

The one stumbling block I run into with Buddhism is nihilism. Buddhism doesn't believe in nihilism, but in my mind, I often mix it up in the game. If my thoughts are nothingness... if emptiness is all around us... how does any of this matter? It's not that I lose hope but that I often "give up the battle" because what does it matter anyway? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! <-- dumb. But my truth, nonetheless.

So, just when I am yet again butting my head on the wall of Nothingness, I run across this quote:

The origin of suffering, strangely, can come either from trying to be highly disciplined and aware or from completely losing one’s awareness.

Generally, if you are not mindful and aware, suffering begins to arise; whereas, if you are mindful and aware, suffering does not arise.

However, suffering can also come from using your awareness discipline as a means of securing yourself by developing set patterns in life.

Ego-oriented patterns arise from both attitudes and actions, and lead to suffering. They include

1. regarding the five skandhas, or aspects of ego, as belonging to oneself
2. protecting oneself from impermanence
3. believing that one’s view is best
4. believing in the extremes of nihilism (that nothing matters) and eternalism (that things last forever), as well as the extreme emotions of
5. passion
6. aggression, and
7. ignorance....

As a practitioner, you realize that these patterns don't particularly go away, but at least you know what they are all about, and as you go along, you will probably know what you should do about it. You may think that once the dharma or the truth has been spoken, it should solve those problems automatically, but that is not the case.

First you have to get into the dharma; then you can think about what you can do. Unless you are a businessman, you can't discuss bankruptcy.

— Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

overheard

Me: Are you ready for more coffee?
Him: Mm-hmm!
Me: Since when did you become a fast coffee drinker?
Him: Since always this morning.