fourteen down, two to go

well... fourteen shows down and two to go. we've been sold out the last few shows and that somehow makes the play so much more fun.

each thursday night performance is for a non-profit gay-supportive organization. gala, aids support network, glbu, and pflag.

the first two orgs were the best of that week's performance. because the audience is more comfortable with gay issues, they are more apt to laugh at the funny parts or gasp or cry, etc. your basic dream audiences. plus they have a reception afterwards that usually includes alcohol. so they're a little lubed for the experience to begin with.

the third thursday was glbu. gay, lesbian, and bisexual union. this is a college-aged organization and they don't drink before cuz many are underage. this was a quiet audience. they didn't laugh. they didn't applaud. they very quietly sat still and listened. after the show i greeted two friends i knew in the audience. they were a bit... quiet. reserved. hushed almost. i invited them out w/ us and they just shook their heads.

a day later i got to touch base again.... i mentioned how the audience was so different from the previous thursdays.

"you know marya," she said. "that play hit a little close to home for most of us. i mean, we *are* matthew."

wow.

last thursday night was pflag. parents and friends of lesbians and gays. where as the previous thursday was matthew, this audience would be the parents of matthew. i didn't know what to expect. but instead of being sullen, they were crazy. loud. laughed at all the right places and many of the non-right ones. at one point, during a moment where one of the killers is being interrogated and telling his account of how and why he beat matthew and left him to die, one of the castmembers said, "if they laugh here we're in trouble."

they didn't laugh.

there's one moment where my mom and i are on stage. i'm telling the account of how the protective gloves i had at the scene were "shit gloves" and kept breaking and i ran out of gloves but just went forward and kept trying to help matthew (covered in blood).


"about a day and a half later the hospital called me and they told me that matthew had hiv. and they said, 'you've been exposed' and 'you've had a bad exposure.'"

because my character had been building a lean-to for her llamas and her hands had a bunch of open cuts on them.

"so i was kinda screwed [laughs] you know."

and we go into this little back and forth and at the end my mom says, "i just hope she doesn't go before me; i just couldn't handle that."

and i thought that line was *the* line for that audience. the fear they all live with.

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i've been extremely lucky that so many of my friends have come to see the play. mark and kelly came; it's their 10 year wedding anniversary. and ryan h. and miss laura. online friends came tonight: brian and kelly. i love it more when there are people i know in the audience. and of course i love the afterwards part more when people i know are there, too.

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tonight's audienced gasped when i said "matthew had h.i.v." and that gasp brought tears to my eyes. because it is just a shitty shitty situation (how's that for eloquence?). just the sadness of it all.

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researching for the play i learned a lot more about matthew and about officer fluty's experience at the fence. i learned that matthew had been raped in morroco a few years before he was killed. his rapists stole his shoes then, too. i learned that when reggie fluty got to the scene that a doe was sleeping near matthew. here was matthew — covered in blood and tied to a fence. thirty degrees. no shoes. his body and his head distorted from the beating. left alone and tethered. and a deer chose to come down and sleep next to him. the account i read said that she and the deer locked eyes — that is was a deer in headlights moment. they locked eyes and then the deer ran away.

matthew wasn't alone.

you know, just weeks before he was murdered, matthew realized he wanted to work for human rights. how could he have known just how much he would do for human rights. the dialogue that would open up. how far the story would reach. and for how long. it's a sacrifice you would never ask of or for anyone. certainly not one he would choose. and yet it happened and a tide of events were put into motion. he was the butterfly's wings. the play is just one droplet of the storm.