resting in a state of unrest

Today I was kicking into my usual worry/analysis mode re. the state of the world. As if I was the one on whose shoulders the fate of that world rested, as if I had to give a speech to the security council next Tuesday. Just then I realized that it doesn't matter what I think, and all my pondering is simply a way to try and manage my anxiety and aggression, under some 'noble' mandate; the Importance of Figuring it Out.

I'm not advocating ignorance here; far from it, after all my thinking has been 90% oriented towards keeping me just that; word smart and 'safe' in that refuge- a clever technique.

So, I ask myself- can I rest with the anxiety/aggression without trying to manage it with opinions? It's so exausting, maintaining that strategy of control. Can I rest with a broken heart? I have faith that if I can do that, at least I'll do no harm, and maximize my chances for knowing how to help.

But will I be brave enough to actually do this? It's so wonderful, and terrible, that every moment gives me another chance. To open my heart to things just as they are. One thing about this world in times of war- it's a great opportunity for both cowardice and bravery.


— Tharpa D