retreating

it's not that you don't have problems anymore. it's that none of your problems are problematic.

i called my dad on friday. confused. i was supposed to leave work early (to get my hair done). i was supposed to go on a three-day mahayana retreat. but i felt like maybe i shouldn't do either of these things. i'm going to colorado next weekend and i should save money. and the weekend has become my safety net for work: it's funny what a few extra hours on sunday can do for your work sanity for the next week. just a couple extra hours to go over everything... yadda yadda yadda.

so i wanted to know... what did he think i should do?

number one, he said, go to the retreat. you want to give something to your job? go meditate and offer them some sanity.

number two, he said, you owe it to the world. (i took my bodhisattva vows in december).

and number three, he says, get your hair done. it will make you feel good.

heh.

sigh. he was so right.

the retreat was great. the group there is one i've been getting to know for over a year. shambhala levels, a couple weekend retreats, a 10-day retreat, and my boddhisattva vows. and i smile when i say that because it is nice to have relationships you have through the dharma/sangha and it's nice to be at about the same place on the path. specifically there are three women there that i feel very comfortable with, like we've been friends a long time. i feel like i can talk to them about anything and vice versa. so they were there and that added a nice layer to the weekend.

but the teachings. man. they were meaty and good and juicy and mind-filling and heart-opening. someday i'll be a learned practitioner who will be able to talk about this stuff with grace. but i'm not there yet. but the teachings this weekend... were just so poignant and good and life-opening.

and i was reminded what i need to do: sit. sit. sit. sit. every day.

over a year ago, when i was in the throes of a really good sitting practice...i was sitting about 30 – 40 minutes a day... i could really see the effect on my life and it was transforming. everything was workable. everything seemed doable. i don't know what it is about sitting, but it REALLY adds a layer of open-hearted sanity.

a few months ago my practice began to wane until it became an un-practice. and again, life-altering. things weren't so manageable. workable? maybe sometimes... maybe. and i found myself being a bit more reactive. and confused and self-doubting.

so i've now seen what life is like with it and what life is like without it.

i'm choosing with it.