can i get a sigh?



life is heavy right now. it's not bad — it's just thick. i'm sure in a year i'll know what to think of it. but right now i'm in the thick of it. and you can't think of it when you're in the thick of it.

my new mantra is "don't agonize, organize."

how dry. how boring. how stilted. how controlling.

how much it makes me want to not admit it.

and yet it is true. i think a lot of what i am going through personally has to do with organization and follow through (or lack there of). things i want in my life... why aren't they happening? i am realizing that if i want them to happen i need to take them out of my future-box and babystep myself to get there.

how boring. how calculated. how humdrum.

i gotta get over my naysaying free-flowing, chaos-lovin' scaredycattin' inner coward.

(my horoscope promises me a teacher and a mentor. i can't wait.)



and speekina teachers and mentors, today i visited my chiropractor-slash-feldenkrais doctor. he is a miracle worker. a real "healer." for me anyway. since the stress hit i have quite literally felt the stress squeeze my muscles into tight little balls. i thought i could release them myself you... you know... with wishful thinking or by burying my head in the sand or a myriad of other self-healing measures i use.

to no avail.

the doctor said, your diaphragm is closed, your heart is closed, your shoulders are closed etc etc all the way up my body. and mr. miracle worker began to work his cure. he is amazing. no bone cracking, just muscle releasing. he is so great. he says that his goal is to work himself out of a job. so though he is a chiro, his goal is to see you less and less and less. he's cured me of a minimum of once a month visit to my other chiro, not to mention acupuncture and lots of massage. now i just go in for tune ups. and he is the type of man who gets you excited about relaxing and/or just wanting his job. what a great job.



finally, my new thing is listening to this american life online. they have a whole archive — about five years nine years worth of archives. you can go and download an entire show and listen. so this is what i do when the clock hits 5:30 and i can finally do all the work i couldn't do because i was in frickin' meetings all day. and it is great. i like ira glass, but i love anne lamott. i love david sedaris and i love sarah vowell. they are my current favorites. tonight though i listened to russell banks). his story was so — honest and real and unflinching and delicious. it just makes you want to do your own story for this american life.

and that my friends is one of my new little dreams.

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are you still looking at everyone's entries from 26 things? woodencracker, i just noticed, has his up. check it out.