on the deputy dawg day afternoon
where our hero marries the lovebirds and sleeps for 24 unconsecutive hours (there is a god)

So. The wedding was great and I loved officiating so much I'm considering going into it professionally (I'm not kidding). What an honor.

For those who've never been deputized before... I got a big taste of patriotism and I think my heart grew in my chest three times (just like the grinch). I had to raise my right hand. I had to swear to uphold the constitution of the United States. I had to swear to uphold the constitution of Califorkneeyah (must now say it like the govenator). I had to swear to protect my country and my state. I have never been so proud to be an American and a Californian before. I was all Yes Yes Yes and Yes!

Yet, there was still no badge and no gun. Rzzl Frzzl. But there was Scott Peterson. I was sworn in at the same place where the Laci Peterson trial is happening and where Scott Peterson is being held in jail. I offered to go in and do my best LAPD impersonation on him, but the Justice of the Peace didn't seem so hot on that deal. To each his own.

The wedding was great on so many different levels. I was so impressed all the way around. Great wedding. AND I must say, the All.Time.Best.DJ.Ever.

The groom is a big music buff and in 1996 wrote to the All.Time.Best.DJ.Ever and said he would like to do a web site for her. And so he did and does. And whowhowho came to DJ — dj??!! — hello wedding dj?, like who does this? — but [greatest dj previously mentioned] — as her real life self who is named Concetta. And can I just say she is my new hero and she got that party rocking like it was 199- um. Well. You know. Like it was NYC. (Okay. No. It was not rocking like NYC, but as far as weddings go it was thoroughly impressive).

AND she asked me (for reals? who knows) if I could marry her and her boyfriend on the spot. And I had to abashedly admit that I was only Deputy Dawg for one couple for the day. Back to the deputy dawg house.

Cool wedding things. Brides to be: take note!

The groom is a huge old movie buff (was on the board of the SLO Film Festival which focuses on old movies) and each table had a really cool B&W of a famous star and you were seated according to star table. Some people sat at Cary Grant. Some at Astair and Rogers. Some at Humphrey Bogart. Some at Grace Kelly. Etc. Very nice touch.

And then instead of doing the garter and bouquet toss (where every woman I know heads to the bathroom to avoid this or, if unable to make it to the bathroom neutral zone and must endure lining up to catch the bouquet, just lets the flowers hit the ground with a proud-single-woman thumping noise) they had a married couples dance. All the married couples were invited up to dance. And the couple that was married the longest got to keep the bouquet and garter. I love that. I wonder if they noticed the bride's Raiders pin on the garter? Silver and blue, baby.

At the tables each place setting had a paper placemat with sections for you to fill in with markers: sign your name, draw a self portrait, draw the bride and groom, write your hopes for them, write your best memory with them, offer advice, etc. Me having the maturity of a six-year old made mine extra extra colorful and outside the lines. Me and the crayola markers? We go waaaaay back. In fact, for the married couples dance I went up there cheek to cheek with the Red Crayola Marker until the Blue one got all jealous and then there was a fight and it got really messy really fast. So much for poly-color-y.

And I finally got some sleep.

It was so nice to stay in a hotel. I slept for 12 hours each night. Those curtains they hang in hotels should either be outlawed or revered like cats in Egypt. That's how fricking great they are. I haven't had a good — I mean a really good decent — night's sleep in weeks. I could really get used to hotel living. No clutter, full cable and someone who cleans up your messes. Call the Chelsea cuz I'm checking in.