Wednesday, April 25, 2007

tomato dream

tomato dream
Originally uploaded by emdot.
At present, our body is undoubtedly the center of our whole universe. We associate it, without thinking, with our self and our ego, and this thoughtless and false association continually reinforces our illusion of their inseparable, concrete existence. Because our body seems so convincingly to exist, our “I” seems to exist, and “you” seem to exist, and the entire illusory, dualistic world we never stop projecting around us looks ultimately solid and real.

When we die, this whole compound construction falls dramatically to pieces.

— Sogyal Rinpoche
Sometimes I find Buddhism a little scary.

I've been struggling with something lately. That whole owning your feelings thing. Usually I am really really good about it. Too good. I'll own my feelings AND your feelings.

But that's because most of my feelings aren't sticky or riddled with anger or major hurt. A while back though, I did get hurt (not romantically; don't think that). And it's one of those things where I can't get any resolution. It's out of my hands. In other words, I'll have to resolve this on my own. And that is hard. I like things to end nice. And friendly.

So I try to own my feelings and not get sucked into the "you make me feel like this" trap. Because I make myself feel like that, right? Bottom line, though, is that I still feel like this. Not always. Just once in awhile. But when it strikes I feel really confused and my brain begins to run circles with "I wish I would have saids."

I try to remind myself that most times the best words are the ones that aren't spoken. And I try to remind myself that the best thing is to not add to anyone's confusion.

So, the confusion sits squarely with me. And I guess all I can do is trust time to do its job.

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