the boyfriend scramble

i have a friend and for this story he shall remain nameless. he has decided to win back his exgirlfriend and he is pulling out all the stops. all of them. he's all cleaned up (baby smooth cheeks and new flashy togs), he's ordered no fewer than four dozen roses, and he even wrote a poem. the man is on a mission, and i'm not talking friars from spain traipsing up and down the california cost exploiting injuns, either. i'm talking a mission of love.

and it all sounds great. c'mon, you know it sounds great. and many a girl who has heard his plan has been caught red-handed swooning at her keyboard planning her own way to hook up and then break up with him, just so she can feel that baby-butt of a soft cheek and just try to find enough vases to put all them damn flowers in.

however. ms. smarty pants over here, while supportive of and wishing our unrequited hero all of the proverbial best, also knows that when a woman's had it, she's basically had it. and nothing can cement that feeling of been-there-done-that than the one fateful act of chivalry almost every man has attempted at one point of his heartbroken life to his greatest detriment: the boyfriend scramble.

you know the scramble (women do it to, but when acted out by a woman it changes to a fritata, as in free-ta-tas), it's when you do all the things you should have done while the relationship was collapsing at your feet but you were too busy daydreaming about how your life would be much simpler without all their emotional crap so take that and blow it out your blowhole. and then you wake up all alone and cold and sniffly and realize that you have fucked up beyond anything imaginable and decide right then and there in your three-day-old bvds with yesterday's sport section underneath you on the couch that's been your bed for 36 hours straight, you decide to Win Her Back.

that, and all the activities surrounding it is the Boyfriend Scramble. and it is pathetic and men, i'm telling you right here and right now, Just.Don't.Do.It. Cuz the boyfriend scramble is like a magnetic force field that only repels women farther and farther away from you. And the more they loved you once, the farther away they will stay from you when this force field comes down.

all that said, i sent my dear friend a warning email today, hoping that he was not about to bring that forcefield down around himself.

and i sent this email out to my email list, where his gallant efforts were bering heralded to begin with. and a few people had a few things to say about it.

like me.

emdot: make sure that your effort isn't looking like The Boyfriend Scramble. because sometimes nothing is worse than The Boyfriend Scramble.

kate: The Husband Scramble is pretty bad.

beth: Unless you order it yolkless, with lots of spinach, mushrooms and garlic -- then it's actually pretty tasty.

emdot: au contraire. there is nothing worse than the boyfriend scramble ESPECIALLY if he can't take a yolk.

yikes! all that intro and only for a lousy pun?! i know, it's cruel. yet, there is truth to these words my friends. take note and take heed.

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very important oatmeal advice

if you are like me and like to put raisins in your maple syrup enriched oatmeal, do not make the grave mistake that if raisins are good than 3-types-of-chocolate-chip-trail-mix is better, cuz it isn't. it is gross and thick and way to sweet and you will wish that you weren't vomit phobic.

you have been warned.