plans just changed which means I've got time for a blog post
Oh man! What a week. Everything has changed; nothing has changed.
So, it was great having Rebel and Heather in town. Monday, home from Live Oak I found myself feeling so incredibly light and happy.... It's not that I want to sustain this feeling forever, but you gotta understand how fucking heavy my life has been for the last year, year and a half. And truly, tho this is melodramatic -- easily the last two years.
Two years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Inoperable cancer -- not totally, but the operation would have been so extreme and dangerous that it was worse to try to go for the surgery. (Sorry, Dad, if you don't want me talking about this online.).
There is nothing like looking at the imminent death of a family member. And I am so close to my parents.... [shaking head]... I realize we are all mortal and that some things are inevitable, but that doesn't mean that facing those things is any easier.
So, my dad was sick for a long time. And he's pulled through — flying colors, say his doctors. But it was a long haul.
Then, last year, four people I knew died, one right after the other in about four months time. Of the four, I was close with one, and aquaintances with the other three... yet... still.... It just seemed and felt like a snowball, especially on the heels of what my dad had gone through.
Needless to say, the past few Live Oaks, while they were good, I was not good. I was sad. I was devestated (and I didn't even breach the stuff at the former place of employment which was... soul sucking).
This Live Oak, things were just better. Lighter. Easier.
And Monday I found myself really basking in the all of it.
The thing is, I'm not sure that it is too much to think that you can have that lightness and happiness on a regular basis. I mean, what if you could? I think you could. Not to suppress the sadness or madness or frustration that is a natural part of life.... but what if there is more happiness than what you are feeling right now?
Man, thinking back to how down I was last year, and let's not pull any punches, I was depressed, it's amazing that I can say how happy I was this week. Last year at this time, tho putting on the stiffest upper lip I could muster, I think I cried every day.
I'm pretty thankful not to be crying right now.
For me, I really think it comes down to two things: purpose and accomplishment. And you have to realize, I am someone who is pretty comfortable doing the free-floaty whatever hang out session. I'm not really Miss Ambition 2005. But truly, when I am happiest is when I feel like I have a purpose and I feel like I am accomplishing something. Anything. It doesn't matter.
One more thing, and I only bring this up cuz Rebel already wrote about it on her own blog. Sometimes, when people open up to you with their real shit, it can help you grow too.
Rebel landed in SLO town the Thursday before Live Oak none to happy. She'd missed her original flight -- it just simply slipped her mind. Her second flight? She was minutes from missing it and only made it by the luck of the draw. She didn't arrange to have anyone pick her up at the airport; I don't even think she knew where she was staying. When she landed in SLO (I'd gone to meet her plane) her first words to me were "I don't want to be here."
I didn't take that personally. In fact, I totally, 100% understood.
Her actions leading up to leaving Peru are my normal way of life and I tell you: I think it all has to do with committment. Committment to moving on from where you are now. Committment is a tough one for me, but c'mon: you gotta commit. Commit to what you are doing, commit to where you are going, commit to your friendships, to your family, to your lover, to yourself. And by commit, what I really mean is engage.
Patrick Sweeney, one of my Buddhist teachers says, "as long as you have an escape route, you aren't committed."
Welcome to the girl who always has an escape route.
When I heard those words just two days before Rebel's plane landed I rewound the tape and played again. And again. And again. I got nailed. He nailed me.
So, when Rebel showed up at the airport, well, really, there couldn't have been a more perfect person to pick her up. Cuz, I really understood where she was coming from.
Missing flights? I'm the QUEEN of missing flights. Not arranging to have anyone pick me up the airport? I RULE that behavior. Not wanting to leave where I'm at? Hello? Marya? Not ready to go on to the next step: Paging Ms. Emdot.
And I realized, the difference between me and Rebel? This is a temporary thing for her. She'll shake this off in a few days or weeks and be back to her tail-wagging self. Me? This is my neighborhood. This is my M.O. These are my standard operating procedures.
But hanging out with Rebel that day I relized: they don't have to be. It's just a choice.
It's like an old CEO of WA used to say "Agree and Commit or Disagree and Commit." That always stayed with me. Only now it's time to commit to it.
Anyway: Purpose and Accomplishment, people. I'm telling you: it's a magic elixir. Friends and Live Oak don't hurt either. No they don't.
No comments:
Post a Comment