spontaneous burstings

This is three times now that Keri Smith's site, Wish Jar Journal, has made me burst out in tears.

I'm not really a crier. And when I am, I'm more of a tears-in-my-eyes sort of person, as opposed to the burst-into-tears sort.

Yet, this is the third time that I have had tears leap from my eyes while reading The Wish Jar Journal. And I mean, I really have to ask myself why. I don't really think it has to do with KS at all. I mean, I don't know her. I don't necessarily feel invested in her story (though I like her blog very much).

But I do think that somewhere inside of me, her story is similar to my story, and the difference is that she lives her story and I keep mine at arm's length. She has the guts of her story and I like to kind of keep mine hidden and safely packed away. Hers is on the mantle. Mine is somewhere in the attic.

One tear-burst moment was about art and living life in a creative way. I've made great strides with this and feel like I am 65% there. That box isn't packed so far away and its definitely not forgotten.

The other two times were about love found and my gut feeling is that it is this box which is hidden so far back that it might be packed away in two boxes and stored way in the back of the room. Unmarked. Dusty. Abandoned. And I feel compelled to chime in with the fact that I am really happy with my life. I feel like it is an honest, happy, hearty life lived (for the most part) with integrity. I'm an honest person. I laugh from my belly. I'm not into pretenses. I've got a nice home, great family and friends; a full life.

Yet. Yet. Is there a hole in my life that I can't even admit to?

I worry that I've had that great love affair. I worry that I had it. I mean, how many times do you get to love so deeply, so intensely, so completely? There are people who've never experienced once, right? (Despite their marital status, even). I've had that. Did I use up my quota?

Is that what these tears are about? These little leaping tears.... Scarcity issues?! What are they jumping to or for? Should I get them a little safety net to hold at the bottom of my cheeks so they don't get hurt?

Meanwhile. I am happy for KS and her betrothed. And I feel thankful that I found her blog in the first place. The little blog of reminders to open lost and forgotten boxes. And believe. Believe. Believe.

And P.S. Jeff P., the newly wed, is an amazing wordsmith. He's a poet who happens to write prose. Don't miss his writing, if you can help it.

» The wedding (her)
» The wedding (him)

» The engagement (her)
» The engagement (him)