you gotta focus on the bright spots



vaughan and her birthday puppy, honey.

vaughan is the daughter of my dear cousin serena. serena is the cousin i always looked up to, even though she's seven years younger than me. she's had it going on forever. and now she lives in the wide open sky and field of colorado with her husband and children and pets. i wish there was a super shuttle that only cost like $20 that went from my house to hers.

* * * *

yesterday was weird. the day before that was weird, too. kind of hazy and nothing seemed to make sense, you know, like the words that were coming out of the clerk's mouth when i went to buy a pepsi. or how my feet moved in front of each other as i walked down the sidewalk.

i finally found solace with the remote control. me, the remote control, and kb's couch. thank god for cable. and thank god for kb, who was feeling similarly and picked up two dvds that we watched back to back. we both just ended up parking our behinds on the couch for hour after hour and quiet movie watching. quiet movie watching where you didn't have to wonder about the weird sensation of walking or clerk's talking. all you gotta do is be able to turn the volume up and turn the volume down.

* * * *

i've been blessed in my life in that i don't get lonely. i like solitude, hanging by myself, being quiet. but yesterday it was like that quiet was going to swallow me whole and being alone was wringing me out. yesterday i needed people.

* * * *

i don't really understand grief. i guess i understand it when your grief is larger than life, like death of family member, death of spouse. but somehow i feel guilty about how sad i feel about allison — as if I am too sad.... death is a hard thing to wrap your mind around.